Emotions: The Parents

Showering out of a well in Buena Vista, Costa Rica
August 2006

February 3, 2014. It was decided. I'm moving to Costa Rica. There was no talking me out of it at this point.Was it crazy? Hell yeah. I was so excited, I wanted my family to be the first to know. But having looked back, I probably should have waited to tell them in person - I'm not good with expressing emotions. I'm only good at suppressing them. The message I sent was also not the greatest. My excitement over text sounded something like this:

 "Mom, Dad, I'm getting a one-way ticket back to Costa Rica in May. I'm quitting my job in April." 

Imagine the shock they must have felt at that time. Probably worse than a jolt of whiplash from a bad car crash. Their daughter just announced that she's moving to an LDC (less-developed country), a country they have never visited and zero comprehension of, let alone the culture and language barrier. They have only heard stories of my travels to Costa Rica since 2006 and, to my mom, those were nightmares. Staying at home stays, hostels, living in a shack off the beach, showering out of a well, and even coming home with an extremely bad eye infection back in 2010 where I almost lost an eye ... and still went surfing.

The first to respond to my proclamation was obviously my sister with "So it's official?" followed with her immediate claims to my furniture for her new apartment. Dad's immediate reaction was not what I had expected; a giant text of what I needed to get done, what needed to be sold, responsibilities between renting and selling my home, my car, and a friendly reminder of how little time two months is to get everything done. Nothing's im.possible. Mom stayed completely quiet; her silence was loud enough to me as it was on how she felt. 

At the time, I wanted to cry. I did cry. I felt unsupported, pushed away, and of all the people that I wanted to share the news with, I felt they were angry with me. In my mind, I felt that Dad was trying to make it difficult for me to make this dream a reality; with the long laundry list of items he summarized over a text message. I felt shoved into a corner of negative emotions but at the same time, I knew this was the right decision for me. I had already questioned my own sanity about making this dream a reality each time I came down. If I didn't at least try to make this dream a reality, I would regret it for the rest of my life. Nothing worth having ever comes easy. 

Sister. I poured my heart out to my sister. 6 years younger than me, sometimes I feel she's the older one. We ended up fighting. I couldn't comprehend her explanation of how mom and dad felt about my decision to move. We weren't seeing eye-to-eye. More so I wasn't seeing eye-to-eye with her. I was trapped in a negative emotional state where I suddenly felt like the blackest sheep in the family. How do I get myself out of this state? This is supposed to be a happy moment!

After a few days of reflection, I attempted conversation with my sister again. I am so thankful to have a sister like her, who can always put things into perspective when it comes to misunderstandings or mis-communications between Dad and I. A bridge.

Mom. Having spent a few weeks trying to sit in mom's shoes, as much as she wants to be happy for me in chasing my dreams ... as a mother, she probably wishes that it was someone else's daughter that she could have been happy for, just anyone else but her own. Her own flesh and blood leaving the nest to a land so foreign and far away (even though it's only a 5.5hour direct flight). I can see where she is coming from. Even in her sadness on my decision, I know she is happy for me, but the worrisome side of her will take the better of her and I know she will be crying her eyes out at the airport on May 11, 2014. It makes me teary eyed thinking of it - I know exactly how she will be that morning ... but I can't cry. I won't. I will hold it back until I walk past the gates and out of sight. This is why I learned to suppress my emotions, it doesn't help with everyone crying ... it will be a bittersweet moment.

Dad. With both of our strong personalities, it's really difficult to get along when it comes to decision making at times. At the time I announced my decision, I felt that he wasn't being a 'father' in terms of providing me with the emotional support I needed. But looking back, he was being a 'father' in his own way ... watching out for me, forcing me to be even more independent as he always has for me growing up. We just don't see eye to eye right away. It will always take me days, weeks, months to reflect on his actions before I come to understand them ... and I always feel like he's angry at me, but with my sister's constant reminders and reassurance, he's not. He just cares about me in his own way.

Sharing this decision to move to the country where noone wants to leave has been one emotional rollercoaster of a ride. It has not been easy with the parents. How I see it is, my parents fled from Hong Kong to escape 1997 for the freedom and better life in Toronto. I'm doing the same thing, I am 'fleeing' from Toronto for a 'better life' ... a lifestyle change that is better for me ... in an LDC ...