Crossroad: Time is Frozen

Sometimes, a paddle on flat water is therapeutic to the soul.

Frozen. It's been ...

38 days since my decision to move;

22 days since I verbally quit my job;

10 days since I quit my job on paper;

9 days since I sold my house.

I am now sitting at the crossroad.

Standing at a crossroad, frozen in time and watching my past and present life move around me. It's too early to move forward but too far to go back. This is the second time I've felt a mind and body disconnect. Mentally, I have already moved on, but physically I'm still here. I arrived a little too early standing in front of a closed door that won't open till May 11. The road beside it is completely wide-open; the path calls out to me with attempts to convince me to stay in Toronto. There's no turning back. I made up my mind and will wait by this door.

Everything feels different. It's a strange feeling that closely resembles depression but not quite. It feels like many of the people I used to know, have been left behind since I took my first step off the beaten path. Only a select few are still walking by my side, holding my hand physically and emotionally until the very last minute of when I take on my lone wolf journey. It's as if time has been frozen only for me and I watch everything around me move as if I didn't exist in this time and space.

I've tried holding on to what is now my life in the past, but there's no use trying. The harder I try to hold on, the more unnatural it seems. I have come to just accept the fact that it's time to move on and look closely at the friends that are still walking beside me. Some are new, some I've reconnected from the past and some I've grown closer to because they have gone through similar situations. These friends have been guiding me through the emotional roller coasters I have been experiencing. They comfort me that it's normal to feel the way I do.

2 weeks of excitement;

3 weeks of stress;

1 week of confusion.

8 weeks left. 

Has it already been 6 weeks? In these past 6 weeks, I've managed to suppress and turn off any and all emotions for everything; the move, sibling rivalries, family and friend arguments, stress at work, everything. It was the only way to get things done, auto-pilot with no emotions. 6 weeks in, 39 days, I can't do it. I'm exhausted. The emotions from every argument, every stress related issue, the lack of sleep, and the energy required to suppress them all together have bottled up to a point where I can no longer hold it in and I want to cry. But I can't. I've suppressed so much emotion inside that even thought I feel and want to cry to release the stress ... it just won't happen. Every feeling from happy, sad, angry, frustrated and stress has just been dumped into one mixed bag of emotions and I don't know how to release it, nor do I know how to further suppress it. I'm so tired. What do I do? I can't sleep ... how do I center myself again?

I need to find my center.